Here’s the thing. You may first need to change yourself before you are able to truly create lasting change in the people and situations that bother you most. That’s because you cannot change what you are judging.

Think about it. How do you feel when someone judges you? Are you willing to bend in that person’s direction and change your behavior to satisfy that person’s desire for you to be different? I doubt it. It’s more likely you will judge the person in return for judging you. You will fire up your defense mechanisms of choice and the cycle of judgment begins. Once the cycle gets started, it can be very difficult to stop.

Here’s how the cycle works. Judgment springs from fear. We fear the things that we don’t understand, don’t know how to change and are concerned can threaten us in some way. When we judge something we are afraid of it allows us to feel separate from whatever it is. Because judgment springs from fear, we respond to our judgments in the same ways we respond to fear – fight or flight. When we respond with fight we attack the other person or situation, directly or indirectly, often in hurtful ways that enable us to feel safely superior. If we choose to flee what we are judging, we give ourselves permission to dismiss the person or situation as hopeless and walk away. In either case, we have forfeited any chance of playing a meaningful part in creating change.

Meaningful change is only possible when we are willing to recognize and honor the humanity of the other person, and with that, the potential for change. Being able to see this requires us to set aside our judgments for a moment and look at the world through a different set of eyes. When you look through a compassionate lens, here is what you will see:

1. For the most part, everyone’s worldview makes perfect sense to them. People choose to behave in ways they feel will enable them to feel safe and accomplish whatever is important to them, even if it looks totally crazy to you.

2. The vast majority of the behaviors we judge in others are rooted in other person’s fears and insecurities. Turf wars exist because leaders don’t understand how to collaborate with each other; it feels risky and uncertain. Better to battle it out and feel safe than risk feeling vulnerable is the deep-seated rationale behind these ancient patterns of behavior. People fear being taken advantage of so they attack others they perceive to have the power to do this. Look closely at the dynamics of any situation you find frustrating and you will likely see this pattern playing out.

3. The worst thing you can do to a frightened person is scare the person even more. But that is exactly what we do when we judge people. We feel offended and frightened when we perceive that we are being judged. We respond by attacking the source of the judgment one way or another. This keeps the cycle of fear and judgment rolling.

The only way to stop this cycle is to opt out of it and create a new one. Someone has to choose to do things differently. Only when you recognize the frightened person behind the fierce façade can you invite true, significant and lasting change.

People need to be open to new possibilities in order to embrace change. People who feel they need to defend themselves don’t open to change. It’s one or the other. We have to be willing to let go of our judgment and look beyond the fear-based behaviors to see the essence of the person behind the defenses.

Letting go of judgment in order to embrace change requires personal awareness and courage. I suggest starting slowly. Begin with someone whose potential you can already see glimmers of shining below the surface of fear-based behaviors. It may be someone who is trying hard to do the right thing, but turns defensive when he perceives his efforts aren’t appreciated. Or the person with bright ideas who tends to argue with others because he’s afraid of losing, rather then engaging others in meaningful dialogue.

Practice letting go of your judgment of defensive behaviors and looking below at the good intentions. This may be a challenge if you are more accustomed to looking at people as being problems rather than having potential. With practice you can do this. After all, isn’t that how you would like people to look at you?

The following are some of the most common areas where people tend to feel a sense of responsiblity to impact a situation that they cannot completely control:

- A manager feels guilty or anxious because a direct report is at risk of being let go and the employee is not responding to feedback or guidance

- A policy or decision being made at a higher level is likely to have unintended negative consequences and no one seems to be talking about this possible outcome

- A colleague or friend is behaving in ways that could be detrimental, but providing this feedback may create a defensive reaction

The anxiety at the heart of these coaching situations is caused by “knot knowing” how much responsibilty the person should take to try to change the situation. Here’s how I usually approach these kinds of conversations:

I may start with an insightful observation, such as “It sounds to me like you’re feeling responsible for this situation even thought you are not in control of what is happening. Is that a fair observation?”

I often note that, “People are free to make their own choices. We need to grant people the grace and respect to let them chart their own path, even we don’t agree with them.”

Then I ask the question, “What would you need to say or do to be at peace, even if this situation does not turn out as you hope it will?”

The usual “aha” is that the person has not been as direct or as bold as she could be. Hiding under this question is the realization that the manager has not told the person directly he is at risk, or the employee has not shared his concerns about the policy in question with his manager. This generally leads to great coaching conversations about how to take the risk of being compassionately direct with others. It is important in these situations to help the person address any “do knot want” knots, such as fears about how the feedback will be received. Continue the coaching until the person feels comfortable he can share his insights from a place of caring compassion.

This kind of coaching tests the coach’s ability to stay in a curious place and not get caught in the drama of the story. It’s so easy — and often tempting — to buy into the frustration the person is experiencing. While it may be emotionally satisfying to commiserate, it eliminates the possibility of helping the person find a sense of peace in a difficult situation. If you stay present and curious, you can offer this incredible gift.

Got Questions?

Please post questions or comments that you would like me to blog about or email me directly at dianna@cylient.com. I look forward to hearing from you!

The heart of the difference between coaching and telling people what to do lies in how are brains are wired. Real coaching focuses on creating insight – an “aha” experience” – that literally builds a synapse in the person’s brain. That new learning creates engagement. Telling people what to do results in people complying with your demand if you are able to imply enough of a threat or an appealing reward to compel them to do so.

Compliance is a very low and costly bar. People who only comply often shy away from taking risks, generally avoid taking responsibility and certainly don’t contribute any more than is needed to get by. People who are engaged make the extra effort, value learning, and contribute their creative efforts to addressing challenges.

The cost of telling people what to do is disengagement. And it has a high cost indeed. In an article in the New York Times last Sunday entitled Do Happier People Work Harder?, Harvard professor Teresa Amabile and independent researcher Steven Kramer sited numerous studies outlining the high cost of Americans’ disengagement crisis, estimated by Gallop to be $300 billion dollars in lost productivity annually.

These researchers found that what it took to engage people was fairly straightforward. “Workers’ well-being depends, in large part, on managers’ ability and willingness to facilitate workers’ accomplishments – by removing obstacles, providing help and acknowledging strong effort.” In my experience, when managers use a coaching approach to accomplish these outcomes, everyone involved becomes more engaged, collaborative and innovative.

Personally, I think the $300 billion is just the tip of the iceberg when it comes to the true cost of disengagement. Disengagement imperils companies at the strategic level. If you want proof, read Adaptability: The New Competitive Advantage in the July/August Harvard Business Review. The subtitle sums it up nicely, “In a world of constant change, the spoils go the nimble.” The article points out that companies that innovate faster and more effectively – the more adaptable companies – have a strategic advantage over companies that can’t or won’t adapt to change. You can’t grow an adaptable company with people who are sitting around waiting for someone to tell them what to do.

That’s why coaching based leadership is strategically essential to organizations. Their very ability to compete in the rapidly approaching future will depend upon building a new kind of leadership. The kind that engages employees to work together in new ways, take on challenges we can only imagine, and perhaps most importantly, maintain their sense of equilibrium, well-being and satisfaction in a world of constant change. Coaching-based leadership is the foundation of this kind of leadership.

A word of caution: Not all coaching models deliver on this promise. Coaching models that advocate pummeling people with questions or restrict the “coach” to a preset series of questions generally do not create insight. They feel, and in fact are, manipulative. They are in many ways worse than just telling people what to do, because the person still feels like he has no choice but to comply, but there’s an added feeling of being manipulated to go along with the implied order. These models miss the point of the neuroscience underlying real coaching; the creation of insight generates new learning that results in engagement.

If the coaching model you are using in your company does not consistently create insight,
you may be inadvertently crippling your company’s ability to compete effectively in the future. Start now to build the kind of leadership needed to attain the strategic advantage of adaptability. Don’t wait and don’t compromise. Your company is relying on you to build the leadership needed to thrive in a world of constant change.

Two stories illustrate how there is no vision without conviction, one past and one painfully present.

Ten years ago William Ford, CEO of the auto company bearing his name, had a vision: a complete line-up of green, hybrid cars and trucks.  This was a time of low gas prices and high profit margins for SUVs and medium-sized trucks.  His management team talked him out of his vision and soon thereafter he handed the reins of leadership to the next and current CEO, Alan Mulally.  With Ford and other car companies scrambling to inject greater fuel efficiency into their line-up, it’s clear that Ford had the vision but lacked conviction.

In current events, everyone was shocked and saddened by the recent tsunami that hit Japan, costing 25,000 lives and creating a nuclear disaster it may take decades from which to recover.  And yet there was one village of about 3,000 residents, Fudai, that was in the cross-hairs of the tsunami and yet its residents barely got wet.  The reason: a 51-foot floodgate completed in 1984.

The mayor of Fudai at the time, Kotaku Wamure, was vilified for spending $30M (in today’s US dollars) on this floodgate. It was too high, too expensive and not needed, people said.  The floodgate was built as a result of his conviction that it was the right thing to do.  The concrete structure spanned 673 feet.

Today, this structure is credited with saving thousands of lives as the town of Fudai suffered only minor damage.  Wamure died in 1997 at the age of 88 and so never saw his creation in action.  Yet his conviction never wavered.  At his retirement party he offered advice for his town people and for leaders everywhere, true then and true now:

“Even if you encounter opposition, have conviction and finish what you start.  In the end, people will understand.”

Wise words that each of us can reflect upon.  I’ll close with two questions:

1. Where does your conviction match your vision?

1. What more can you do to advance what you feel is the right thing to do despite what others may say?

• Passionate curiosity
• Battle-hardened confidence
• Team smarts
• A simple mind-set
• Fearlessness

While I found the list interesting, I was most drawn to the last trait – fearlessness. The article presented fearlessness as a somewhat rare character trait embodied by a few emboldened leaders who dared to challenge the status quo. What baffles me is if CEOs value fearlessness so highly, why don’t organizations put more emphasis on cultivating this quality to be part of the culture? It often seems organizations do exactly the opposite.

The cost of valuing compliance and sameness over diversity of thought and risk taking comes clearly into focus when the stakes are highest. During the height of the recession I watched some organizations get creative and take risks to better position themselves to emerge in stronger positions, while others retracted into fearful places, cutting everything in site without giving much thought to longer term implications, and resorting to intimidation to get compliance. That’s the difference between fearless and fearful leadership.

Organizations can cultivate a culture of fearlessness by:

1. Providing leaders with varied experiences early in their careers. Leaders who have the opportunity to work in a variety of situations early in their careers develop perspective and flexibility as they adapt to new circumstances and challenges. This helps leaders to trust themselves more deeply. A quiet, well-founded self-confidence is essential in a fearless leader. (I am not talking bravado, which is actually just fear externalized – think scared dog with teeth bared.) The most recalcitrant leaders I’ve met are those who were not asked to step outside their comfort zones until very late in their careers.

2. Valuing insightful risk taking. I’ve seen organizations where the proverbial “career-ending move” can be as small as making too blunt a statement in a public forum. These organizations value compliance, sameness, and predictability – and that’s what they get: leaders who value “niceness” over candor, and collusion over real change. These leaders tend to panic when the intensity of change means they can no longer hide behind their carefully crafted facades of leadership. Organizations that value risk-taking encourage independent critical thinking, use failure as an opportunity to learn, and ensure that appropriate risk taking is rewarded.

3. Encouraging edgier questions. The questions people are willing to ask and answer determine the extent to which change is possible. If challenging assumptions is considered a punishable offense then don’t expect too much of it. Yet the assumptions underlying our business models are changing at ever increasing rates. Asking game changing questions should be an expectation of leadership rather than an act of courage. Real change begins with the willingness to question assumptions and engage in honest dialogue about what else is possible.

4. Establishing a higher purpose that is worth taking a risk for. Leaders take risks to accomplish something worthwhile. If you think about it, most leaders who cower or hide have no higher purpose than saving their own skins. The higher and more meaningful the purpose, the more likely people are to take a risk to achieve it. Making money in and of itself does not qualify as a higher purpose in my book. If the money is not made in service of a greater contribution then it may serve solely as a motivator to cheat, which is risk taking of sorts, but not the kind that serves a shared greater good.

When it comes to fearlessness you reap what you sow. Organizations that cultivate fearless leaders plant the seeds early by giving young leaders varied experiences, support appropriate risk taking throughout the leaders’ careers, and harvest the rewards with insightful risk taking in tough times.

If your leaders aren’t fearless, don’t blame the leaders – look to the system that grew them.

There is an old saying in consulting: “Watch out for the organization antibodies.” Just as in a physical body, there are antibodies in organizations that neutralize things that seem threatening or different. If you appear to be too different– particularly if you are threatening to create change – you too can be neutralized.

What to do? We want to be ourselves and we want to make a difference.  Do we hide the parts of ourselves we aren’t sure others will appreciate or can even handle, or do we dare to be different and risk the consequences?

The key is to use your authenticity to influence others, not alienate them.  It can be a fine line to walk that requires a certain level of self mastery. Authenticity is not a choice between “telling everyone how it is” or remaining silent. Influence comes from being relevant and real.

Here are a few guidelines for igniting change through authentic influence:

• Listen to your heart. Get clear on why the change you are focusing on is meaningful to you and to the people and systems it will impact. Get past your own soapbox conversation and find the essence of why what you are about really matters. This will give you the courage of your convictions. Believe me, real authenticity requires quiet, consistent, persistent courage. Find yours.
• Read the organizational tea leaves. What are people able to hear right now? Start there and build connections to the larger themes you want to introduce.
• Listen to the people whose support you need and connect your messages to the things that matter most to them. If you’re pushing for culture change, note how the current culture limits the company’s ability to fulfill its strategy, and build the business case for the new culture.
• Be yourself, but be your best self. Be the person you hope others will emulate. You will see opportunities to influence more quickly and clearly if you are centered, focused and calm. Drama kings and queens usually get taken out by the antibodies.
• Look for the key assumptions that are “holding up the old story” and gently but directly challenge those when you have the opportunity. For example, if the argument goes, “We’ve always done it this way,” that could be an opportunity share a story about how a new way of working is delivering results – either inside or outside the company.  It will probably take time before the old story collapses and makes way for the new. That’s okay. Laying the groundwork for significant change can take time. But the change can happen very quickly when the pieces come together.
• Separate who you are from what you do. Don’t let your self-worth get tied up in the outcome of the change effort.  Be sure to cultivate other things in your personal and professional life that make you happy and bring you a sense of satisfaction. The passion for change should inspire you – and others – not consume you.

Authentic influence is the most powerful force a change agent has to work with. Cultivate your ability to use it well for the greater good of all concerned.

Coaching-based leadership is like swimming lessons for leaders. It teaches them how to move with, and even grow and develop in, the constant state of change.   When leaders take a coaching approach to the change process they open up their thinking – and the thinking of others – to find new ways of responding to their ever-changing environment.

When people do not feel equipped to deal with a situation, they can become frightened and rigid.  For example, people who don’t know how to swim don’t tend to like spending time on the water.  What we often call “resistance to change” is just fear being expressed in a very rational way. People who don’t feel they can keep their head above water during the change process will do what they can to avoid the situation or stop the change.

Fear of change creates organizational cultures that are sluggish and slow to recognize and respond to the many opportunities change creates. People just keep doing what they’re doing, even if it may not make sense anymore, because that’s what they know how to do. It feels safer to stay with the familiar than to jump into the deep end and try something new.

The first step to creating an organization that can flow with change is to teach your leaders and managers how to embrace change as an opportunity to learn, grow and create new ways of doing business.   That means teaching them how to use coaching approaches in day-to-day situations to flow with the constant process of change.

We often work with organizations before they engage in a major change to teach the people who will lead the change effort how to use coaching approaches to help others move through the change process more smoothly.  Our Coaching in the Moment workshop teaches leaders how to recognize and successfully step into the coachable moments as they occur in day-to-day situations.

We all need to learn to swim with the tide of change.  Once your leaders are confident in their abilities to move with change – and help others do the same – they will be better able to learn, grow and innovate as part of the change process.

Recently, IBM released their Global CEO Study summarizing the findings from face-to-face interviews with over 1500 CEOs and senior leaders around the world.  The study concludes that:

• The primary challenge that CEOs face is effectively responding to the ever-increasing rise in complexity, with more than half of the CEOs doubting their ability to manage in this increasingly complex and volatile environment.

• Developing more creative leadership that supports innovation and more flexible responses to challenges is essential.

• Increasing the operating dexterity of organizations so they can respond with greater speed and insight to challenges and opportunity is critical.

Our vision of a consilient organization is one that addresses these concerns by fundamentally shifting how we think about and go about working.  We defineconsilience as creating more generative and unified ways of thinking, working and being.  In practical terms, that means moving past the infighting and turf wars that drain so much creativity and vitality from our organizations, and getting people engaged in making a meaningful difference.

Through this blog we will explore the many facets of this evolutionary process of moving from command and control to consilience.  We look forward to being in dialogue with you to create and build upon our shared insights as we discover the possibilities of consilient organizations.

Your thoughts?